Fear and Faith

We have so many changes happening in ours lives right now. Saying I don’t adjust to change well is the understatement of the century. Ryan always tells me that I stress about stress before there is anything to stress about. My wonderful husband knows me well! My anxiety has been at an all time high and I’m fighting to keep my feet on solid ground. On top of all the changes we are coming to the end of “hell week”. Ryan’s brother David died in a tragic car accident 15 years ago and this time of year is always hard for our family

The last couple of years have been smooth sailing. We’ve hit some bumps along the way as everyone does but our faith has carried us right through. Ryan and I completely rebuilt our marriage three ago after joining a local church and receiving some amazing Christian counseling from the Pastor. We attended church regularly and I enjoyed volunteering in the nursery and attending Bible studies. I’ve felt my life changing in ways I cannot explain. One of the best parts is being quick in forgiveness to others which is something I always struggled with in the past.

In the middle of all of our changes a Pastor from our church branched off to start a new church closer to where we lived. At first we had decided to stick with the church we had already been attending. Then I got invited to a Bible study at the new church and we decided to visit for a Sunday service. Since then we haven’t left. We love the people and the small town feel! So for now it just feels right.

These past couple of months flipped everything upside-down on me. I have watched my husband Ryan struggle with so many chronic health issues but the hardest of all is his daily struggle with constant pain. He suffered a shoulder injury years ago in the Army which lead to issues with his neck. Then about seven years ago he fell off of a hunting blind he was building and landed on his lower back on frozen ground. He suffered a multi-lumbar fracture that completely changed his life.

Ryan has been working a strenuous job reading meters for an electrical company for nearly four years now. His job is causing several other issues such as hip, knee and foot pain due to constant walking. He overcompensates to protect his back. Constant pain changes people and I’ve slowly watched the man I married slip into depression because he wasn’t coping well with the added stress from the pain. Add in the fact that he has several other health issues and his life has become a mess of constant appointments and procedures. We had been praying for years that he would find another job that might be easier on his many disabilities. Waiting became the hardest part.

A few months ago I was referred to a urologist for bladder issues. I had shrugged it off for years blaming my issues on my age and the fact that I gave birth to three children years ago. I kept putting off the appointment because at the time Ryan’s issues were enough to keep up with. I finally had a friend convince me to reschedule my appointment because she’d recently been through the same issues and was feeling much better after her surgery. I finally made it on for my appointment in mid November. I felt like I walked into a brick wall! Not only had my bladder fallen but so had my uterus and the urologist kept saying I needed an appointment with my obgyn for a hysterectomy. All I could think about was how did we go from a bladder repair to a hysterectomy. I left my appointment in tears!

I made my appointment with my obgyn for the following week and thankfully Ryan was able to go with me this time. I have known my obgyn for years and both my daughters see her as well. In short I completely trust her. She did her own exam and confirmed that I need the hysterectomy and bladder surgery sooner rather than later because it’s causing some other issues that will need to be repaired if I wait to long. I realize this is all normal things that women go through but the timing couldn’t have been more off! Plus my obgyn decided to do a bunch of biopsies.

Thanksgiving landed right in the middle of all of this and we had constant company staying with us. The day before Thanksgiving Ryan received the call we had waited on for years. He was being offered a huge promotion from Meter reading to Gas Service. His new position not only comes with a pay raise but it also comes with a company vehicle and cell phone. Unfortunately that was about all the information we had at the moment because of the holidays.

Add in a trip to my family doctor to follow-up on my anxiety issues and some ongoing stomach issues which she added a colonoscopy to be done before my surgery. To add my insult to injury she restarted my antidepressants and increased my anti-anxiety medicine. I worked for years to get off of my antidepressants after my mom died and I’ve been doing great without them. My anti-anxiety medicine is meant more to calm my system down during an asthma flair an only used as needed. Now my doctor wants me to take both medications everyday for the next three months. I told her I felt like such a failure! I wanted my faith in God to be strong enough to carry me through all of this! I was struggling to keep up my daily chores and I feel like I’m a horrible wife at the moment! Ryan needs me and I’m failing as his wife! I was also stressing that Ryan wouldn’t be able to miss work for my surgery because of his new job.

On top of everything else we are currently house hunting now that we know Ryan has a permanent position in a steady location. House hunting should be fun and exciting but at the moment it’s anything but! I have so many other plates spinning that I cannot take the time to enjoy it.

I finally received my surgery date for January 19th and a couple of days later Ryan found out his new job doesn’t start until January 30th. This will actually give him a week at home with me which hopefully will get me through the worst of it. It’s been nearly two weeks and I still don’t have my biopsy results which is causing added stress!

My biggest struggle is knowing that fear and faith cannot coexist. I’m failing in my faith because I’m allowing my fears and anxiety to get the best of me. Now it’s time to do some deep soul-searching and praying. I’ve also been seeking counsel from other Christians within my church family. I’m in desperate need of healing for my mind, heart and spirit. So now my journey begins in giving it all to God.